When will the funeral be held?

There are people during this social isolation / social distancing / virus from hell that seem WELL!!!!!.  Some of them even seem HAPPIER!!! I find this to be shocking a relative bullet to my heart.   I wonder if it is me who is off or them? Is this even the right question to ask?  It is not a competition, or is it? So I ask this instead- would I rather be the person who accepts this, embraces it and does not feel the pain of loss and loneliness?  Or, would I rather be the one who sees things how they really are or at least how it really feels. The one who knows that this is not the way we were meant to live.   The one who continues to morn the loss of connection in a world that is already so disconnected.

 I am indeed the opposite of content or happy.  I take daily , hourly and minutely offense to this new normal.  I do not understand those who do not feel the same.

I titled this blog ‘be with me’ because this is my favourite thing to say and do.  To be with people in their pain.  To be with people in their suffering.  To be with people in their happiness.  To be with people in their lives.  To hold, to touch and to really see.

I am told to find a new way to do this.  To stop raging against this change.  To accept , move on and even delight in things like curb side deliveries and time spent with oneself.  But no one has mourned.  No one has said goodbye.  No one has stood in a group (even 6 ft apart) to say that this is not how it was meant to be.  There has not been a funeral for what has been lost. 

When ever I raise this idea of loss – people reach for comparison.  They say count your blessings – you are saying goodbye to an ideal not a real person like many others have had to.  You are still healthy.  Your finances are still intact.  Your family members are still well.  You have family.  You have, you have , you have.  I continue to say we have lost, we have lost , we have lost. 

Where does this get me?  Perhaps no where.  But it is real and true for me and if it is real and true for me , I wonder if it might be real and true for you? I wish to find others who are willing to mourn with me. Who are willing to stay in the room with me. Who are willing to honour our collective losses -not just once but daily, hourly and minutely. Even the ones that seem like they should not matter.

Be with me …

Published by Alison

Oh my gosh, I am so excited you are here. I am a 44 year old Mama of two kiddos - age 9 and 4. I became a mama later in life, first at age 36 and then again at 40. I am still not ready to have children. When they ask me for a snack or for dinner - my first thought is often 'not sure, go ask your Mom!!'. Oh wait , I am the Mom. This is the story of how I Mom and fiercely love my kids, but most of the time don't want to .

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